I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa