My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
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At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish