Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
a badder mouse
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down