ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1