Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
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My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…