If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot