At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
me, too, girl. me, too.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
🚲+physics = winner
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.