I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.