I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Single and childfree like Jesus
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer