When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best