My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?