I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
be careful
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Chemical wingman
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza