i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
stand with me against insufficient seating
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s