tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
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I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked