X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
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PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life