shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER