Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
You Might Also Like
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?