Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?