A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
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Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.