Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.