Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas