Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
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[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
The Struggle
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.