A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
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Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”