*has no idea what a book even is*
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telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Discuss
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.