*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.