Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
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Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
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Cat armor
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How to stop armored cats
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mariah carrie
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.