Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
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Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
mechanics be like
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it