I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.