As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
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Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Hell yeah 👍
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.