I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
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My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
bugs when you lift up a rock
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!