Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
You Might Also Like
just witnessed a drug deal
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.