Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
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If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
i want to work in this restaurant
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”