Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024