a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*