There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?