One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
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World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Bringing home a sharpie
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.