If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
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Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Pigeon open mic night.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.