The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.