If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Fixed this for Shakespeare