Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
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baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
ready to be harvested
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.