*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
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Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Had an epiphany today.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism