WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
You Might Also Like
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Facebook memories be like
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper