Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.