It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?