The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
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Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.