Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
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Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful