[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
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Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
The absolute effort that went into this omg
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there