I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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Left at a local drug store…
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Life with a cat in one tweet
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
just got my engagement photos
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not