[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
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Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No