me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
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Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.